On Hold

I’ve decided to stop writing in this blog for now. It was a helpful tool while I was discovering my kinky self, but I am so busy having fun and exploring that writing has become less important. For those interested in keeping in touch with me, feel free to find me on Fetlife under Apsara_girl. Thank you for all of your support and kind words!

 


Floggers

My masturbation rule was taken away. Instead I just tell Him when I’ve masturbated. Although I’m a little glad the rule doesn’t exist anymore, it’s left me feeling a little bereft. But I’ve been given a task that I’m really excited about!

I have to make my own flogger.

Captain said He would prefer that over buying one–both for the artisanal and psychological factors. It would be a unique flogger. All my own. Putting effort and care into making something that will eventually inflict pain on me is causing very submissive feelings. Which I am quite enjoying as things have been a little too vanilla lately due to busy schedules.

Rather than spend a lot of money buying leather and suede online or in a craft store, I went to Goodwill today. I searched the skirts and pants and dresses, feeling the fabrics. I had to compare the leather and suede I found by feeling their thickness, flexibility, and imagining how it would feel to be whipped by each one. Standing in the store and fondling different clothing while daydreaming of being flogged got me excited. I cannot wait to make this flogger and present it to Him.


Trade-offs

It’s been a while since I posted. I guess I was really enjoying my vacation before I start work this summer!

A while ago, Captain had me write down specific fantasies I wanted to have come true. Although none of them were over the top, it’s still a little nerve wracking telling someone else what you daydream about. On top of that, He had me write down what I would do in return if my fantasy came true. I hated doing that. I was paranoid I wouldn’t make a fair enough offer or He wouldn’t like the offers or would just think them silly. In the end, I don’t think He was happy with them because I didn’t get to orgasm that night. I can’t help but feel a little upset. Both at Him and myself, even though I know I tried. It was a shot in the dark concerning what He would like as a trade off. He knew this and so later on He said I could cum if I wanted since I’m still learning, but by then I felt guilty for not doing better and just couldn’t. Despite how frustrated I am (both physically and emotionally), I’m looking forward to seeing Him this weekend. Even if I don’t earn an orgasm again…


Munches

I finally went to my first munch last night! Captain brought me. I never had the courage to go alone so it was nice having someone I could be with if I got uncomfortable or got out of the socializing mood. The munch surpassed my expectations. I met a lot of nice people and had conversations that didn’t revolve around kink. Obviously it was brought up sometimes, especially as the night wore on, but it wasn’t the focus. I’m excited to go to my next one!

After the munch I asked Captain over for the night. My roommates are gone for the week and I wanted Him to see the apartment. I hadn’t even considered the fact that I would be able to get a spanking without fear of being overheard. That’s been the problem at His place with His roommates. When He brought this up, my heart leaped into my throat and it was all I could do to not pull down my panties and throw myself across His lap. I haven’t been spanked that hard in a while and so each blow was more intense than I remembered. Captain is the first man to spank the backs of my thighs. That stings a lot more than my sit spot but I like when He goes back and forth. The pleasure of having my ass spanked and the sharp slaps to my thighs are a nice contrast. When my spanking was done, He had me kneel. I knelt for longer than I have before. After a while my ankles started to hurt and I had to keep shifting my weight. I became a little agitated when my mind honed in on how uncomfortable I was. As I continued kneeling, my legs became numb, my arms ached, and I started to drift and get away from the sensations radiating from my calves and upper arms. Unfortunately, Captain kept asking me questions and pulling me back from wherever I was going. My frustration grew as I had a hard time formulating responses to His questions. Even now I’m only vaguely aware of how I answered.

Finally He called me to His side. As soon as I let my arms down and got out of the kneeling position, I felt the soreness in my arms and my legs and feet started tingling. I was still a little hazy so all I was capable of doing was curling up next to Him and staring at the wall until I could hear my own thoughts again. I’m curious about that feeling of being disconnected from myself. Could I go into subspace during a scene? I know some submissives don’t like to or have never been able to. Maybe it will happen some day, although I’m not sure I like the idea of not being present during a flogging or a more intense bondage session. I want to be there and react to everything my Dom does. But perhaps I’ll like being able to drift when I want to.


Captain

So I received a couple of emails last night about my newest post. One was from someone very close to me.

Just to clarify, when Sir said to call Him My Captain or Lord and Master, He was joking. We both laugh at the idea of using those. I wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face if I used either.

My friend said that I always post more when I’m confused or not happy. Well I am going through a little turmoil. The first Dom I fell in love with dumped me for the asinine reason of His friends and age. And then my Daddy put me on another roller coaster and left me confused and hurt. So now I’m anxious about this Dom, of course. But I can’t take out any past problems on Him and I have to believe that things will turn out the way I want. Maybe with Captain, maybe with my next Dom or one 10 years from now.

I am happy at the moment. I’m posting more because I have things to say and someone to talk about.


Frustrated

I asked Sir what He would like me to call Him in my blog. He responded with ‘O Captain, My Captain’ or ‘My Lord and Master’. I’m very tempted to use Captain…I think I’ll interchange Captain and Sir depending on my mood.

This rule I have of masturbating to the edge of orgasm twice in the morning and twice before bed is starting to get to me. It wouldn’t be as bad if I could touch Him more and kiss Him more. A couple of nights ago I went to His place to watch a movie. He told me to take my shirt and bra off so He could experiment with something. Tying my wrists together, He hung the rope from a hook on the wall. Because of my height, it was a bit of a stretch for me and slightly uncomfortable. I felt exposed and a little vulnerable and my brain started to become foggy from my need for Him to touch me. Just to gently pinch my nipples, or run His hand along my neck, or choke me and make my panties even wetter. After only a minute of feeling His tongue on my nipples, He untied me and told me to put my bra and shirt back on. I struggled with that task. I did not want to at all.

And He didn’t touch me again like that until well after the movie was done. But that wasn’t the part that hurt me. It was the fact that He hadn’t kissed me since I’d gotten to His place. Once the movie was done I started to touch Him as much as I could without actually jumping Him and tearing His clothes off. And still nothing from Him. Finally He let me kneel for Him. The kneeling position He likes is a new one for me. I sit on my heels with my knees apart and my hands behind my head. I prefer the other position of knees together and hands resting on them because it’s easier to stay there longer. However, this form of kneeling keeps me more attentive. All of the frustrations of earlier this week and the hurt of not being kissed melted into the background and my brain centered. That’s why I love to kneel before Sir. I become more focused on Him and what He wants and my desires become white noise. Then He started rubbing my clit. I wanted to cry with how much I was restraining myself. Soon after I was allowed to service His cock. I adore sucking cock. It never fails to get me wet and to ache even more, which I didn’t think was possible at that point. And finally finally finally He gave me what I desperately needed: to feel His cock stretching me and His body over me and surrounding me. Unfortunately, the earlier frustration of not being kissed and feeling unwanted resurfaced and I had a hard time staying in the moment. I don’t know how to not be needy with my Dom. I have to throw myself into it in order to serve. It’s hard to stay a little distanced in the beginning of this sort of relationship. My submission makes me very dependent on my Dom and I need some sort of feedback from Him. I feel lost. I need to talk to Him about how He feels with the progress so far and what He wants to change and what He thinks is working.


Aesthetics

Two posts in one day? I guess my mind is a little busy tonight. But more likely it’s because I have a paper I’m supposed to be writing and I tend to procrastinate….

It’s a good thing I asked about whether or not He likes inflicting pain. He said it’s not that He’s adverse to bruising me, but that it may not be aesthetically pleasing to Him. I love to admire bruises on myself when they’re given to me by my Dom. I like to have a hard time sitting the next day. Every wince is a reminder of what happened the day before and of my submission. It makes me feel closer to Him. I may have to think of other means to feel that way without the bruises. For example, one rule I follow is that I have to masturbate to the edge of orgasm twice in the morning and twice before bed. Being someone who doesn’t usually masturbate more than a few times a week, I find it interesting. It’s only difficult the day after I see Him because at that point I’m exhausted and sated and have a hard time becoming aroused enough to come close to orgasming. I should bring up other physical things that will help Him feel like my Dom and help me feel submissive. I know there are plenty of mental/emotional ways to serve, but in terms of physical, maybe more bondage and less spanking? I suppose I’m just not used to being without bruises…


Maybe?

It’s been about a week since I offered my submission to this man. I’m afraid to write about it because I have this paranoia that things will go pear shaped if I actually put words to it and express my feelings. I’m also a little afraid that He may not be enjoying Himself as much as I am, but haven’t really asked Him about it yet. That’s probably just my insecurities rearing their ugly heads. All of His D/s experiences have been online, so the physical aspect of it is a little different. Giving a spanking is new to Him as is having a girl who really gets off on choking. He says He likes to see my reactions when I’m being spanked, but I guess He’s not as sadistic as the men I’m used to. For example, last night He was spanking me and seemed concerned that my butt was getting red. I enjoy being spanked so hard that I’m bruised for a week. I think I have to remind Him of that. However, the physical aspect isn’t as important to me as the power exchange itself. And He likes to play games. This part is new to me like the physical part is new to Him. My first Dom was sadistic. He loved to see me in pain. But He couldn’t give me the structure I needed to fully submit. This new Dom is providing that. Although His tasks and games drive me insane, I love it. It makes me feel submissive and as if I really am giving myself to Him mentally and physically. I’m excited to see where this goes and how much I grow in my submission.


Tattoo!

I got my first tattoo yesterday! I have been planning this for a while and finally did it. I was a little nervous on the way to the appointment, but once I got there everyone was very laid back and welcoming. My tattoo artist was excited to do this bird (a Belted Kingfisher) which put me at ease. I like the work that he does so I was confident that he could give me what I wanted.

When he started the outline I didn’t think it hurt that much. I’ve heard it’s like a bee sting that lasts for a very long time. About halfway through the outline I started to enjoy it a little and relax. It’s comparable to how I treat spankings. At first it hurts but then my mind set changes and I start to get turned on by it. That’s how I started feeling with the tattoo until he began the shading. That was just pain. Thankfully, I didn’t make a sound the entire time and embarrass myself :) Although I’m sure he wouldn’t have thought it was a big deal.

Despite the fact I didn’t feel turned on during the tattoo, I had a suspicion I was wet. So afterwards I checked in the bathroom, and I was right! It makes me feel a little weird that I get wet during a tattoo. But I guess it’s not that different from getting wet during a spanking. They both administer pain. One and a half hours of this type of pain was bliss. I’m so glad I got to experience it!


An End

Daddy and I are over. I won’t go into details since He does read my blog and I don’t want to hurt His feelings even more. He just wasn’t right for me in the end. But I learned a lot while I was with Him and I’ll use that information to better myself and help me in future relationships.