Wall

A particular spanking was on my mind today. I’m not sure why. Actually, it was probably because I was daydreaming about spankings during one of my classes and this more intense one popped into my head. Once I thought of it, I mulled it over the rest of the day trying to figure out why I acted the way I did and why He acted the way He did. It was only the third one I received from my last Dom. He expected me to cry at the end of every spanking because He enjoyed seeing the tears and mascara on my cheeks. He said it brought us closer when I could seek comfort from Him after He was the one to make me cry. This was not difficult to do after the first spanking He ever gave me. I was used to Him being a laid back, funny guy and was unprepared when He switched into this person; I trusted Him, but the names He called me and the way He handled me was a shock. After the spanking, I couldn’t help but cry and cling to Him and feel embarrassed for the way He called me ‘whore’ and made me call myself a whore and the fact it made me a little excited. And it did make me feel closer to Him to let Him see me cry the way so few have–all out wracking sobs and gasps for breath that made my head dizzy. It felt like I had been waiting to let that out for years. But the third spanking from Him was a different event.

I don’t know if I can describe my mindset that day. I was excited and wet before He even looked at me and I had no pent up negative emotions or negative thoughts going into the spanking. I felt no need to cry. I wanted to enjoy the pain and embrace it. And besides, I had to make sure I didn’t cry or make any noise before He was done spanking me, or I would be punished. So I suppose my mindset was one of determination and nervous-happiness. As the session continued, every smack that happened without me making a noise only made me happier. It made me ache to touch Him and show that I could obey and please Him. When He was finished, He held me and told me to let it out. The problem: I was wet and needy and euphoric and the exact opposite of the mood needed for me to cry. I couldn’t do it. It pissed Him off. When He started to become angry with me and telling me I obviously didn’t feel safe enough in His home to be myself and cry in front of Him, I put up a wall. I hid behind it and built it higher as He grew angrier. I have a difficult time crying in front of someone who is angry with me. Maybe it’s my pride. Or maybe it’s because my parents always got angry when I cried and so it’s an automatic response for me to hide it from someone who is being aggressive towards me. It is, however, very easy for me to cry when someone is comforting me. So, finally He put me in a time out. I sat facing that corner dry-eyed and hurt; it felt like every response I’d had that night did nothing to please Him. It was a complete turn about from the way I had felt going into the spanking.

When my time out was done, I told Him how I felt. The only women He had spanked always cried. I don’t think He knew how to handle my giddiness after the session. Thankfully, He said that He would allow me to cry during my spankings so I wasn’t holding it in and closing it off until the end when I wouldn’t be able to retrieve that feeling. And the next time I was perky after a spanking, He just held me, kissed my nose and petted me.

I’ve talked to subs before about how they feel during spankings. And it really does depend on the mood entering the session. I suppose it takes a patient and understanding Dom to handle all types of reactions and not expect one outcome every time. Or maybe it’s the sub’s responsibility to put themselves in the mindset desired by their Master?


2 Responses to Wall

  1. Apsara, I dont react well to anger, either. I tend to shut down and I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that I grew up in an angry household – my dad was always angry. As a kid, I would block it out and go inside myself, it felt safer there. So now, when I encounter anger, I automatically respond the same way. It must be incredibly hard to not make a soudn while being spanked! I would be punished a lot, if I had that rule. Also, in response to what you brought up in your last paragraph, I dont necessarily think it is the submissive’s responsibility (at least not solely) to get her in the mindset necessary. Also, in MY opinion, I dont agree with the expectation of a sub to cry after every spanking. There are some who do not cry at all. Everyone is different and has different reponses, and I personally would have just assumed (which I guess is not very smart on my part) that any Dom would expect a variety of outcomes/responses.

  2. Heather,
    My last Dom had many flaws, but I still loved Him. I don’t think a Dom should have a certain expectation of a submissive’s reactions during a session. It leaves room for disappointment and arguments, like what happened with me. And it is really hard to not make a sound during a spanking!!

    Love,
    Apsara

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