Get a Better GPA!

Daddy and I are both very busy people. Add to that the fact that none of my friends (two of which are my roommates) know about Him and it means that alone time with Him is rare. Because of this, I haven’t gotten a spanking in a couple of weeks. It’s all I can think about. I feel myself getting more tense everyday and becoming irritable about the smallest things. Last night my roommate was eating noodles. Every time she took a bite, she slurped the loudest slurp I have ever heard. It took a lot of self control to not yell at her. I couldn’t focus on studying. I could only stare at my computer until she was done eating. It’s ridiculous how annoying I found it! Besides the fact that spankings are pleasing sexually, I think they’re an extremely good stress reliever. I always feel more relaxed afterwards and seem to be better able to focus on homework and am more productive overall. If only I could get a spanking an hour before every exam! I would have a very high GPA!


Submissive in Hiding

I was hanging out with a couple of guy friends recently. One of them is dating a girl for the first time and lost his virginity last month! Go him! However, all throughout dinner, he was complaining about a fight they were having. Apparently, he had to help a friend out and postponed meeting up with her. So, when she wasn’t at their predetermined dinner spot, he obviously got upset. She told him she went to have dinner with friends and felt she didn’t have to text him that her plans had changed and he didn’t have to know where she was all the time.

When I first heard this story, I was thinking, “She is a complete bitch.” But then I realized that I used to do similar things to my first boyfriend towards the end of our relationship. I wouldn’t ever not show up at a meeting place. But I would annoy him and argue with him and see how far I could push him. I constantly antagonized him and tried to get him to stand up for himself and stop taking my bullshit. But, he was very submissive. And it drove me crazy. I think I only got him to fight back once or twice. And when he did, I was very quick to stand down. I only recently figured out what I had been doing with him. I needed a Dom (although at the time I didn’t know it) and I was trying to get him to be more assertive. In the end, he did stand up for himself by breaking up with me! So at least he could do that much.

It makes me wonder how many of the girls who constantly argue with their boyfriends are actually submissives who haven’t come out yet.


Humiliation

I always had very low self-esteem growing up. I didn’t ever think I was pretty enough or smart enough or popular enough. While I’m sure most girls felt this way, it eventually led me to counseling and medication during the first year of high school. I’ve only really felt comfortable in my own skin the past couple years.¬† I don’t know how I feel sharing that, but I think it’s necessary to know in order to talk about humiliation play.

I told my last Dom everything I found humiliating. This included being slapped in the face, having someone cum on my face, being rimmed, and being called names. I’m sure my list will grow and change the more things I try. Even now that old list has changed. I mentioned my last Dom because I told Him I wanted to try everything I found humiliating to see if I really found it humiliating or just embarrassing. I realized that it’s not necessarily the act that makes me uncomfortable. It’s the reaction of the person I’m trusting and allowing myself to be vulnerable around.

I was talking to some other submissives in a forum and asked them how they felt about humiliation play. I think a couple of the answers show the two main ways of looking at it:

“Master uses various forms of humiliation. It’s usually pretty subtle. It increases my vulnerability which increases arousal, makes me weak in the knees, and even increases my trust in him because of how he handles me when I am so vulnerable.”

“I personally do not enjoy humiliation play. Being Sir’s sub makes me feel beautiful, desired, and good about myself. I’m not interested in having the man I’m deeply in love with humiliate me. Shoot, I do that enough to myself just in daily life!”

I understand where the first woman is coming from. I did feel more aroused when I allowed myself to put my trust in Him. But then the second quote shows how I feel about humiliation play the majority of the time. My last Dom gave me a look during one of the acts I mentioned and I didn’t know how to interpret it. It looked like disgust. Maybe I was just projecting, but it made my insecurities surface and I became the opposite of aroused. Although I expressed my feelings, I just couldn’t get that look out of my head. I don’t want to feel like the person I love and trust doesn’t respect me, even if I know it’s just play. Some part of me would always be doubting. Maybe as I grow more confidant in who I am, humiliation play will become more appealing. For now though, I want to limit that play (not completely exclude it!) and learn to love myself and trust that my Daddy will love me no matter what dirty things I want to try or what dirty things He makes me do.


Wall

A particular spanking was on my mind today. I’m not sure why. Actually, it was probably because I was daydreaming about spankings during one of my classes and this more intense one popped into my head. Once I thought of it, I mulled it over the rest of the day trying to figure out why I acted the way I did and why He acted the way He did. It was only the third one I received from my last Dom. He expected me to cry at the end of every spanking because He enjoyed seeing the tears and mascara on my cheeks. He said it brought us closer when I could seek comfort from Him after He was the one to make me cry. This was not difficult to do after the first spanking He ever gave me. I was used to Him being a laid back, funny guy and was unprepared when He switched into this person; I trusted Him, but the names He called me and the way He handled me was a shock. After the spanking, I couldn’t help but cry and cling to Him and feel embarrassed for the way He called me ‘whore’ and made me call myself a whore and the fact it made me a little excited. And it did make me feel closer to Him to let Him see me cry the way so few have–all out wracking sobs and gasps for breath that made my head dizzy. It felt like I had been waiting to let that out for years. But the third spanking from Him was a different event.

I don’t know if I can describe my mindset that day. I was excited and wet before He even looked at me and I had no pent up negative emotions or negative thoughts going into the spanking. I felt no need to cry. I wanted to enjoy the pain and embrace it. And besides, I had to make sure I didn’t cry or make any noise before He was done spanking me, or I would be punished. So I suppose my mindset was one of determination and nervous-happiness. As the session continued, every smack that happened without me making a noise only made me happier. It made me ache to touch Him and show that I could obey and please Him. When He was finished, He held me and told me to let it out. The problem: I was wet and needy and euphoric and the exact opposite of the mood needed for me to cry. I couldn’t do it. It pissed Him off. When He started to become angry with me and telling me I obviously didn’t feel safe enough in His home to be myself and cry in front of Him, I put up a wall. I hid behind it and built it higher as He grew angrier. I have a difficult time crying in front of someone who is angry with me. Maybe it’s my pride. Or maybe it’s because my parents always got angry when I cried and so it’s an automatic response for me to hide it from someone who is being aggressive towards me. It is, however, very easy for me to cry when someone is comforting me. So, finally He put me in a time out. I sat facing that corner dry-eyed and hurt; it felt like every response I’d had that night did nothing to please Him. It was a complete turn about from the way I had felt going into the spanking.

When my time out was done, I told Him how I felt. The only women He had spanked always cried. I don’t think He knew how to handle my giddiness after the session. Thankfully, He said that He would allow me to cry during my spankings so I wasn’t holding it in and closing it off until the end when I wouldn’t be able to retrieve that feeling. And the next time I was perky after a spanking, He just held me, kissed my nose and petted me.

I’ve talked to subs before about how they feel during spankings. And it really does depend on the mood entering the session. I suppose it takes a patient and understanding Dom to handle all types of reactions and not expect one outcome every time. Or maybe it’s the sub’s responsibility to put themselves in the mindset desired by their Master?


Him

Him. I fell in love with Him quicker than I had anticipated. I’m not surprised. I’ve never allowed myself to be so vulnerable around someone. He was many things to me: my friend, my lover, my Dominant. He was the type of man I could see myself with in a vanilla relationship. The fact that He could ‘switch’ into my Dom made Him as an appealing man as they come. Kneeling for Him for the first time, I opened myself up and had never felt so scared and exhilarated at the same moment. I had such hope.

But I was a wreck with Him. My thoughts revolved around Him and the way He could make me feel; with one look my cunt would clench, my breath would get caught in my throat, and I would sink to my knees. When he spanked me, my entire being focused on that pain and I lost myself in it. I could transform it into pleasure and orgasm from being spanked–or I could simply revel in the stinging His hand made on my bottom.

Despite finding this passion I had been craving, I felt lost in the relationship. He didn’t have much experience with submissives, so I don’t think¬† He knew how to give me what I was looking for and I didn’t know how to ask. I needed boundaries and limits to feel safe and protected. The expectations He had of me were so few and when I asked for more, neither of us knew what to do. By the time I figured out what I wanted, He had become indecisive about our relationship. His friends didn’t understand why we were together (obviously they didn’t know about him being a Dom), considering He was 9 years older than me, and they finally convinced Him to end it. He couldn’t take the pressure from them and didn’t want to lose them as friends. I knew He was going to break my heart, so I didn’t have the courage to tell Him what I wanted from Him once I had realized it. It would have devastated me if I had given Him more control only to have Him reject me. We could have been happy together, but I think we were both too inexperienced. And every time I think about what we could have had, my stomach flips over and my throat closes up, and I feel like crying.

But that is the past now. I have to move on and learn from it. And know that I can feel that way again with someone who understands how to make me feel protected and cocooned within His rules and expectations of me.


The Search

The first Dom I met ended through lack of communication on both sides. I was (am) new to the D/s relationship, and I had no idea what to expect. He is a very demanding man; I don’t think I was ready for that yet. I needed a slow introduction and the pace at which we went scared me off. While we met in person a few times, most of our communication was through email. And text lacks tone, sarcasm, inflections in the voice. Words get misinterpreted. We misunderstood each other through a few emails and I ended things when I felt he wasn’t right for me. I don’t find it necessary to explain what exactly happened. I’ve returned to my Daddy at this point and we’ve discussed how we can improve on communication. There is no use dwelling on mistakes when I am so happy right now being Daddy’s little girl.

Daddy and I had never met in private, so I hadn’t yet knelt for anyone or been spanked. I was craving that. I needed to touch my Master and show my love, respect, and trust through the giving of my body. It wasn’t enough to be owned mentally. So I continued my search. And then I found Him.

 


To Begin

I’ve been doing a lot of reading since learning there was a label to what kind of lifestyle I was looking for. A LOT of reading. Tonight I was reading a blog from a Master’s viewpoint. He was discussing labels. The one that caught my attention was the term ‘slave’. His definition was:

“At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub.”

I never thought of myself as slave. The more I read different definitions of the word, the more I am sure of this. I’m not sure I could ever trust someone so completely as to not have limits. Besides that, I believe I need to set limits to have something to work towards. Always being pushed towards my boundaries excites me. If I was involved in a complete exchange of power, I would feel there was nothing to work towards. I would already have given everything I had to give. Every time I give part of myself to Him or open up a new area of my life for him to control, I see it as a gift. And it brings me closer to Him.

The same blog went on to discuss the existence of sluts who are only calling themselves ‘sexual slaves’ so that they can be used in a variety of ways. I’ve read similar statements with people saying there exist individuals who label themselves ‘submissive’ or ‘slave’ but are only looking to play a part for a short while or use a Dom/me who is more generous with their money or favors. When I read statements like these, I start wondering if I’m one of those young women just going through a phase and ‘experimenting’ in my college years (possibly a more extreme version of the idea that most girls become bisexual once they get to college). But then I think of how I feel when I’m on my knees in front of Him and I don’t doubt myself. How could it be a phase when I feel I have belonged there all my life?

I’ve only been involved in the BDSM community for a short while, so my thoughts on things may seem naive or misguided by some. But that’s why I’m writing this. Blogging will help me as I learn about myself and my submission. It will teach me to express my desires and limits and be more communicative. I welcome comments or anyone who wants to email me and talk with me.


Overwhelmed

I suppose I’ll start with saying that I created this blog months ago, intending to use it as a type of self-therapy. Writing my thoughts down usually helps me to sort out emotions and anything confusing/crazy going on at the moment. Things got a little too crazy I guess and my blog was forgotten.

From the beginning: I experienced Sub Fever. I’m sure every submissive who reads this is nodding their heads and guessing what I got myself into. As soon as I figured out what I wanted in my life, I jumped into my search for a Dominant. I didn’t stop to figure out what exactly I was looking for, my limits, or even what I could possibly have to offer anyone. It’s a story that I want to begin telling. And I’m going to through the next few posts. I just thought I would have something posted so I could start working on putting my blog together. So if you come across this, don’t forget about it! I’m still here!