Wall

A particular spanking was on my mind today. I’m not sure why. Actually, it was probably because I was daydreaming about spankings during one of my classes and this more intense one popped into my head. Once I thought of it, I mulled it over the rest of the day trying to figure out why I acted the way I did and why He acted the way He did. It was only the third one I received from my last Dom. He expected me to cry at the end of every spanking because He enjoyed seeing the tears and mascara on my cheeks. He said it brought us closer when I could seek comfort from Him after He was the one to make me cry. This was not difficult to do after the first spanking He ever gave me. I was used to Him being a laid back, funny guy and was unprepared when He switched into this person; I trusted Him, but the names He called me and the way He handled me was a shock. After the spanking, I couldn’t help but cry and cling to Him and feel embarrassed for the way He called me ‘whore’ and made me call myself a whore and the fact it made me a little excited. And it did make me feel closer to Him to let Him see me cry the way so few have–all out wracking sobs and gasps for breath that made my head dizzy. It felt like I had been waiting to let that out for years. But the third spanking from Him was a different event.

I don’t know if I can describe my mindset that day. I was excited and wet before He even looked at me and I had no pent up negative emotions or negative thoughts going into the spanking. I felt no need to cry. I wanted to enjoy the pain and embrace it. And besides, I had to make sure I didn’t cry or make any noise before He was done spanking me, or I would be punished. So I suppose my mindset was one of determination and nervous-happiness. As the session continued, every smack that happened without me making a noise only made me happier. It made me ache to touch Him and show that I could obey and please Him. When He was finished, He held me and told me to let it out. The problem: I was wet and needy and euphoric and the exact opposite of the mood needed for me to cry. I couldn’t do it. It pissed Him off. When He started to become angry with me and telling me I obviously didn’t feel safe enough in His home to be myself and cry in front of Him, I put up a wall. I hid behind it and built it higher as He grew angrier. I have a difficult time crying in front of someone who is angry with me. Maybe it’s my pride. Or maybe it’s because my parents always got angry when I cried and so it’s an automatic response for me to hide it from someone who is being aggressive towards me. It is, however, very easy for me to cry when someone is comforting me. So, finally He put me in a time out. I sat facing that corner dry-eyed and hurt; it felt like every response I’d had that night did nothing to please Him. It was a complete turn about from the way I had felt going into the spanking.

When my time out was done, I told Him how I felt. The only women He had spanked always cried. I don’t think He knew how to handle my giddiness after the session. Thankfully, He said that He would allow me to cry during my spankings so I wasn’t holding it in and closing it off until the end when I wouldn’t be able to retrieve that feeling. And the next time I was perky after a spanking, He just held me, kissed my nose and petted me.

I’ve talked to subs before about how they feel during spankings. And it really does depend on the mood entering the session. I suppose it takes a patient and understanding Dom to handle all types of reactions and not expect one outcome every time. Or maybe it’s the sub’s responsibility to put themselves in the mindset desired by their Master?


Him

Him. I fell in love with Him quicker than I had anticipated. I’m not surprised. I’ve never allowed myself to be so vulnerable around someone. He was many things to me: my friend, my lover, my Dominant. He was the type of man I could see myself with in a vanilla relationship. The fact that He could ‘switch’ into my Dom made Him as an appealing man as they come. Kneeling for Him for the first time, I opened myself up and had never felt so scared and exhilarated at the same moment. I had such hope.

But I was a wreck with Him. My thoughts revolved around Him and the way He could make me feel; with one look my cunt would clench, my breath would get caught in my throat, and I would sink to my knees. When he spanked me, my entire being focused on that pain and I lost myself in it. I could transform it into pleasure and orgasm from being spanked–or I could simply revel in the stinging His hand made on my bottom.

Despite finding this passion I had been craving, I felt lost in the relationship. He didn’t have much experience with submissives, so I don’t thinkĀ  He knew how to give me what I was looking for and I didn’t know how to ask. I needed boundaries and limits to feel safe and protected. The expectations He had of me were so few and when I asked for more, neither of us knew what to do. By the time I figured out what I wanted, He had become indecisive about our relationship. His friends didn’t understand why we were together (obviously they didn’t know about him being a Dom), considering He was 9 years older than me, and they finally convinced Him to end it. He couldn’t take the pressure from them and didn’t want to lose them as friends. I knew He was going to break my heart, so I didn’t have the courage to tell Him what I wanted from Him once I had realized it. It would have devastated me if I had given Him more control only to have Him reject me. We could have been happy together, but I think we were both too inexperienced. And every time I think about what we could have had, my stomach flips over and my throat closes up, and I feel like crying.

But that is the past now. I have to move on and learn from it. And know that I can feel that way again with someone who understands how to make me feel protected and cocooned within His rules and expectations of me.


The Search

The first Dom I met ended through lack of communication on both sides. I was (am) new to the D/s relationship, and I had no idea what to expect. He is a very demanding man; I don’t think I was ready for that yet. I needed a slow introduction and the pace at which we went scared me off. While we met in person a few times, most of our communication was through email. And text lacks tone, sarcasm, inflections in the voice. Words get misinterpreted. We misunderstood each other through a few emails and I ended things when I felt he wasn’t right for me. I don’t find it necessary to explain what exactly happened. I’ve returned to my Daddy at this point and we’ve discussed how we can improve on communication. There is no use dwelling on mistakes when I am so happy right now being Daddy’s little girl.

Daddy and I had never met in private, so I hadn’t yet knelt for anyone or been spanked. I was craving that. I needed to touch my Master and show my love, respect, and trust through the giving of my body. It wasn’t enough to be owned mentally. So I continued my search. And then I found Him.