Submissive in Hiding

I was hanging out with a couple of guy friends recently. One of them is dating a girl for the first time and lost his virginity last month! Go him! However, all throughout dinner, he was complaining about a fight they were having. Apparently, he had to help a friend out and postponed meeting up with her. So, when she wasn’t at their predetermined dinner spot, he obviously got upset. She told him she went to have dinner with friends and felt she didn’t have to text him that her plans had changed and he didn’t have to know where she was all the time.

When I first heard this story, I was thinking, “She is a complete bitch.” But then I realized that I used to do similar things to my first boyfriend towards the end of our relationship. I wouldn’t ever not show up at a meeting place. But I would annoy him and argue with him and see how far I could push him. I constantly antagonized him and tried to get him to stand up for himself and stop taking my bullshit. But, he was very submissive. And it drove me crazy. I think I only got him to fight back once or twice. And when he did, I was very quick to stand down. I only recently figured out what I had been doing with him. I needed a Dom (although at the time I didn’t know it) and I was trying to get him to be more assertive. In the end, he did stand up for himself by breaking up with me! So at least he could do that much.

It makes me wonder how many of the girls who constantly argue with their boyfriends are actually submissives who haven’t come out yet.


Humiliation

I always had very low self-esteem growing up. I didn’t ever think I was pretty enough or smart enough or popular enough. While I’m sure most girls felt this way, it eventually led me to counseling and medication during the first year of high school. I’ve only really felt comfortable in my own skin the past couple years.  I don’t know how I feel sharing that, but I think it’s necessary to know in order to talk about humiliation play.

I told my last Dom everything I found humiliating. This included being slapped in the face, having someone cum on my face, being rimmed, and being called names. I’m sure my list will grow and change the more things I try. Even now that old list has changed. I mentioned my last Dom because I told Him I wanted to try everything I found humiliating to see if I really found it humiliating or just embarrassing. I realized that it’s not necessarily the act that makes me uncomfortable. It’s the reaction of the person I’m trusting and allowing myself to be vulnerable around.

I was talking to some other submissives in a forum and asked them how they felt about humiliation play. I think a couple of the answers show the two main ways of looking at it:

“Master uses various forms of humiliation. It’s usually pretty subtle. It increases my vulnerability which increases arousal, makes me weak in the knees, and even increases my trust in him because of how he handles me when I am so vulnerable.”

“I personally do not enjoy humiliation play. Being Sir’s sub makes me feel beautiful, desired, and good about myself. I’m not interested in having the man I’m deeply in love with humiliate me. Shoot, I do that enough to myself just in daily life!”

I understand where the first woman is coming from. I did feel more aroused when I allowed myself to put my trust in Him. But then the second quote shows how I feel about humiliation play the majority of the time. My last Dom gave me a look during one of the acts I mentioned and I didn’t know how to interpret it. It looked like disgust. Maybe I was just projecting, but it made my insecurities surface and I became the opposite of aroused. Although I expressed my feelings, I just couldn’t get that look out of my head. I don’t want to feel like the person I love and trust doesn’t respect me, even if I know it’s just play. Some part of me would always be doubting. Maybe as I grow more confidant in who I am, humiliation play will become more appealing. For now though, I want to limit that play (not completely exclude it!) and learn to love myself and trust that my Daddy will love me no matter what dirty things I want to try or what dirty things He makes me do.


To Begin

I’ve been doing a lot of reading since learning there was a label to what kind of lifestyle I was looking for. A LOT of reading. Tonight I was reading a blog from a Master’s viewpoint. He was discussing labels. The one that caught my attention was the term ‘slave’. His definition was:

“At the same time, by its very definition, a slave is involved in a complete exchange of power. There is no other way. If a relationship involves anything other than this, than that person is not a slave but, rather, a sub.”

I never thought of myself as slave. The more I read different definitions of the word, the more I am sure of this. I’m not sure I could ever trust someone so completely as to not have limits. Besides that, I believe I need to set limits to have something to work towards. Always being pushed towards my boundaries excites me. If I was involved in a complete exchange of power, I would feel there was nothing to work towards. I would already have given everything I had to give. Every time I give part of myself to Him or open up a new area of my life for him to control, I see it as a gift. And it brings me closer to Him.

The same blog went on to discuss the existence of sluts who are only calling themselves ‘sexual slaves’ so that they can be used in a variety of ways. I’ve read similar statements with people saying there exist individuals who label themselves ‘submissive’ or ‘slave’ but are only looking to play a part for a short while or use a Dom/me who is more generous with their money or favors. When I read statements like these, I start wondering if I’m one of those young women just going through a phase and ‘experimenting’ in my college years (possibly a more extreme version of the idea that most girls become bisexual once they get to college). But then I think of how I feel when I’m on my knees in front of Him and I don’t doubt myself. How could it be a phase when I feel I have belonged there all my life?

I’ve only been involved in the BDSM community for a short while, so my thoughts on things may seem naive or misguided by some. But that’s why I’m writing this. Blogging will help me as I learn about myself and my submission. It will teach me to express my desires and limits and be more communicative. I welcome comments or anyone who wants to email me and talk with me.


Overwhelmed

I suppose I’ll start with saying that I created this blog months ago, intending to use it as a type of self-therapy. Writing my thoughts down usually helps me to sort out emotions and anything confusing/crazy going on at the moment. Things got a little too crazy I guess and my blog was forgotten.

From the beginning: I experienced Sub Fever. I’m sure every submissive who reads this is nodding their heads and guessing what I got myself into. As soon as I figured out what I wanted in my life, I jumped into my search for a Dominant. I didn’t stop to figure out what exactly I was looking for, my limits, or even what I could possibly have to offer anyone. It’s a story that I want to begin telling. And I’m going to through the next few posts. I just thought I would have something posted so I could start working on putting my blog together. So if you come across this, don’t forget about it! I’m still here!